Month: August 2020

Decluttering- I Worked so Hard, Why is the Mess Back?

I’ve posted before about how amazing the results of my decluttering efforts have been (even at the very beginning stage). Those things are still true, but I’ve got something to show you. Just keep in mind, it doesn’t mean what you’ll think it means.

Clutter on Countertops
Clutter that accumulated after two “days off”

System Breakdown

This is the result of at least two things: system breakdown, and “I clearly haven’t gotten anywhere close to decluttering enough.”. Two days of going off-schedule and off-routine because my husband was off of work. That’s all it takes. Now, anyone who knows me would laugh if anyone described me as rigid, regimented, Type-A, etc. I am obviously (see photos) not. I’m starting to lean more that way lately when it comes to this- this need to adhere to the schedule. I notice that if I deviate from my routines at all, this is the result. I feel defeated, tired, and like all of my effort these past months was for nothing. When I take a step back, however, Logical Lindsay can remind me that even if things get crazy for a minute, it’s getting better and will continue to get better.

Here’s how I know things are better than before:

  • When I look around at everything that is out, I can immediately identify where it needs to go. Before, a special kind of anxiety would surface that was saved just for the “what in the world am I going to do with all of this” feeling.
  • Because I know that I have systems in place to help prevent this buildup from happening (to this level…trust me, my kids are always at work), it’s not AS stressful as it used to be when this happened daily.
  • My routine of nightly tidying means that I know that tomorrow when I get up, it will be a fresh start. The annoyance of the mess today doesn’t have to carry over into tomorrow.

Here’s how I know things will continue to improve:

  • I’d guess my family doesn’t need at least half of the items lying around. Now, if you’re a family member and you see something in a picture, this doesn’t mean I’m getting rid of these specific things. What I mean is, if we have six water glasses laying around the kitchen and dining area, but only two people using the “big people cups,” perhaps we could use a system where we know that we already have a glass out and which one is ours. Rocket science, I tell ya.
  • I will continue to reduce the number of items I’m responsible for managing. People in our lives may have opinions on how much we should have on hand, whether it’s dishes or books or toys or clothes. Only we can decide what we are willing to take care of. If you have to spend time you don’t have to take care of things you only have because you would otherwise feel judged or guilty, then it costs too much. Get rid of it. How you do that is up to you and your ethics and opportunities, but it doesn’t need to be in your home any longer.
  • As I try out systems within our family, I will make sure I am not the only one who knows and uses them. Yes, there will be some that are just me (like the cleaning I do after the kiddos are in bed), but many others should just become habits for the entire family. Clearing dishes after eating, shoes off at the door, leaving an area clean before you move on to the next activity, etc. These things are all “systems.” Once they become habits, they just happen without requiring thought, which creates capacity to learn new ones.

Emotional Ups and Downs of Decluttering

Please remember, I am very early in my journey to achieve some sort of easy-to-maintain state. I have noticed already that there is a cyclical pattern happening. It looks like this:

Decluttering cycle
My cycle of decluttering progress

I got rid of a lot of excess stuff and I don’t miss any of it so far. I could hardly even tell you what I parted with. You may find, like me, that after you’ve adjusted to the new norm you’ll suddenly feel like you’ve gone backwards. Perhaps you bought new items. It’s also likely you’ll simply notice how many other things are more in the way than they are contributing anything.

Just a few weeks ago I donated a large number of items and felt such an immediate improvement. I now see toys that I chose to keep during the last purge, ignored and yet still in the way. Kitchen tools sit unused in my cupboards, taking up space that could be used to store other items. Since I last weeded out the too-small kids clothes, they’ve grown and I need to do it again.

Will the decluttering process ever end?

Once I’ve gone through this cycle enough times, here’s what I think will happen. Each time I sort through my things, I’ll remember that I wished I’d have gotten rid of more last time. I will be able to call up the feelings of relief that came before, to push me to do more this time. I’ll get to a place where I’m comfortable with the amount of items I’m responsible for on an ongoing basis. Keeping up with weeding out things that come in the home won’t be such a daunting task. Sorting through school papers/mail weekly, removing clothes that are outgrown quarterly, etc., are tasks well-suited to add to a calendar.

I wish I could just block out a week and go through the whole house at once. I think we all hope for the opportunity (aka time) to do it this way. I’ve never had that happen, however, and I’m guessing you haven’t either.

Let’s just keep going, little by little, until we get there. It’ll be worth it.

A Better Way to Bring Balance to Your Life

I’ll warn you- I didn’t write this post the way bloggers are supposed to write posts. I’m supposed to offer you help to fix one of your problems, and not focus too much on myself. Well, you know what? I’m not an expert, and I’m not pretending to be one. Today I just felt like writing about what I’ve been mulling over- finding balance with the things in my life. I do offer some hopeful “here’s what I’m trying out and I think it will work” suggestions. Really I just want you to know that if this is where you’re at in life, I’m here with you.

Mindset matters

Raise your hand if you struggle with balance. I’m sitting here waving my hand wildly. This isn’t what I had planned to write today. As I sat down to write, my thoughts swung immediately to my decluttering progress. I have more to say about where I’m struggling, and where I’m finally winning in that war. There are also plenty of pleas for help to solicit from anyone who knows the secret to getting it all done easily.

Then, I thought I “should” write more about self-care, or parenting, because I’ve not yet touched on those things here on the blog. This segmented, disjointed structure of my thoughts gave me pause. I recognized the way I have these things separated in my mind could affect my ability to ever find balance with them. In reality, each of these things go hand-in-hand.

Being “all-in” isn’t always the best for balance

I’ve had many conversations with people who do the same thing I do, so I know I’m not alone in this. Tell me if this sounds familiar: life is chaotic, and you’re overwhelmed, out of shape, and life just never feels fun or relaxing. You finally get sick enough of one of these things- like your weight. All fired up about finally hitting that goal, you overhaul your grocery list, meal plan like a madman, fit in trips to the gym or at-home workouts, and chug water all day. You spend a larger chunk of your time and energy on this, because your health is a big priority, right?

A few weeks (days? Months?) goes by and you’re sick of always thinking about what you’re eating or not eating. You also notice that your home just feels too stressful and cluttered and you determine you must finally tackle it. You shift all of that energy and focus to this new project, and go all-out sorting, purging, and organizing. Then you realize the kids are struggling with less structure and excess screen time you’ve allowed so you can work, and more guilt emerges. More convenience foods found their way back onto the grocery list to buy time.

‘Round and ‘round the cycle goes, making short bursts of progress that are often undone once focus shifts to a new area. Heavy doses of guilt abound, as you always feel like there is at least one area of your life in shambles.

Slow and steady wins the….quest for balance

Find balance in a slow and steady way
Slow and steady progress beats burnout

I envy people who don’t struggle with this pattern, but also need to accept that this is mine. I am working on making a new pattern in which I can find a reasonable level of balance.

Shifting my mindset to allow slow-and-steady progress has already made me feel better. I think at this stage of my life where I have little ones, it’s the only realistic one. Small changes every day will, in the long run, make a bigger impact than a lot of big starts and stops. Seeing slow but steady progress will be more encouraging than seeing consistent failures every few months.

I’m not so delusional as to think that this means I’ll be giving equal amounts of focus to each area of my life. Some things deserve more energy than others, and some phases will come that will force attention one way or another. Having a routine and habits that keep things moving forward in all areas, however, will leave me in a better place.

Get it in writing

Let me tell you what I’m doing. I’m going to use a system I’ve already found some success with, which is loosely based off the FlyLady routine. Here’s an example of a checklist I created to start a routine about six months after the twins were born.

Create balance by using a checklist for priority tasks
Rudimentary checklist for daily tasks

As you can see this is mostly related to cleaning the house. While there are many times I don’t get every single item every single day, it has helped some of these tasks become automatic. What I plan to do is use this same format but add in the highest priority items from each “category” I want to adjust. For me, that is parenting, homeschooling, self-care, and personal pursuits. For you, it could be writing, resting, reading, weight loss, furthering your career or education, etc. I really think this format can be used no matter the goal.

Once I make a final copy I’ll update you all, but for now these are the things I have identified to add in beyond the cleaning tasks. These are things I need to prioritize before I fit in any other extras.

  • Read aloud to the kids
  • Homeschool lessons
  • Get outside with the kids
  • Drink ½ body weight in ounces of water
  • Have at least one high protein/high nutrition shake each day
  • Daily dance party with the kids
  • Spend at least 15 minutes writing

Surely I’ll find more balance in my life if I can touch on most/all of these every day. Again, my aim is to simply improve each area. Is there something you’d recommend I add into my daily routine that would bring more balance? What do you find most quickly throws you out of balance? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or on Facebook/Instagram.

Twins: Six Tips for Surviving the First Year

Keep reasonable expectations with newborn twins.

Are you expecting twins? Have you had them already and are wondering what you can do to make life a bit easier? If so, keep reading! My sweet little girls are now just over a year old. The newborn/infant phase is still fresh in my mind, but I’ve had a little time to work out some of the kinks. Now, some of the challenges I face are related to having two other children, but I think my perspective can still be of help.

One thing I do remember feeling when first home from the hospital (okay, maybe for much of the first year), was hearing people give advice and thinking “you have absolutely no idea how little energy I have, do you?!” You think I should go out for walks with all four children, do you? Moving us all from one room to the other felt like I climbed Kilimanjaro wearing nipple clamps, so no, I won’t be doing that.

I get that, I really do. Some of the tips I give below might require a bit of work, or brainpower, on the front end, but will save you tons of energy over all.  If you aren’t healed enough to get to some of this, then either give it some time, or send this to someone who loves you and say “can you please help me get some of this done?”

Here’s a list of the topics covered below if one in particular catches your eye:

  • Be mindful of the physical toll of growing twins
  • Set yourself up to get more sleep
  • Don’t let your high expectations keep you from accepting help
  • Create systems to minimize work and enable routines
  • Have multiple safe play areas for both twins
  • Keep things simple

Be mindful of the physical toll of growing twins

One thing I don’t think most people understand is how enormous the physical toll of growing and carrying twins is. Sure, there are women out there who seem like they could grow 12 babies and be out shopping two weeks later looking no worse for the wear, but I think for the majority of us, it takes a while to recover. If the pregnancy and/or delivery of your twins was rough, be extra patient and kind to yourself as you heal.

If you’re in the newborn stage, keep your life as simple as possible so you can spend the time you need to take care of yourself while you take care of your family. Your body likely used a lot of your body’s nutrient stores to grow those babies. If you are breastfeeding, it continues to do so. Feed your body the nutrients it needs, so your body can function well. The stress of little sleep, the emotions of expanding your family, and any physical healing needed, is a lot for your body to handle, and if you want to feel good, nutrition is crucial. Not just getting enough calories, which is also important, but making sure you are getting all of the building blocks your body requires (proteins, fats, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals, etc).

Set yourself up to get more sleep

Sleep as much as you can. Easier said than done, I know. One thing I found was that people would pop in, offer to watch the twins for 30 minutes or so for me to have a quick nap, and that just felt so overwhelming to me. At that time, I was pumping every 2-3 hours, and it took 30-40 minutes each time. Both babies weren’t on the same schedule yet and so it felt like every time someone offered to help, it would have made me miss one of the steps in my routine, which would have made things more challenging.

I’d usually say something like “well I would need to pump first and that takes a while so I can’t really nap right now.” What I could have said was “I could really use a nap. Would you mind coming over/staying longer after I pump and I could get a bit of sleep then?” or perhaps having a plan well in advance so that you could prepare for- milk for the babies ready, pumping already done, etc. so that you could actually rest without creating issues for yourself.

Don’t let your high expectations keep you from accepting help

Along the same vein, don’t let your high expectations of yourself keep you from asking for help. This was difficult for me, because I carried a lot of guilt and embarrassment over not handling everything perfectly. I was a mom of brand new twin babies with a four year old and a six year old and I was sad that the house wasn’t spotless and I wasn’t up to cooking much. It sounds ridiculous when I look back, because I shouldn’t have expected that of myself. I know nobody else did either.

However, my feelings were real and they were valid. I mourned my ability to keep up. Being forced to slow down was hard, and I wish I would have just given myself permission to relax even if the laundry piled up. Even if we had pizza for dinner for the third time that week. The stress of your high expectations will prevent you from resting even when the chance arises. It will diminish your ability to savor moments of quiet peace and steal the joy to which you are entitled to during this time. Release yourself from those expectations.

Create systems to minimize work and enable routines

After some time, and that length will be different for each mama, you will start a new routine for the family as a whole. Life does move on, and if you have older children, it moves on quickly. When adding one baby to the family, it’s fairly simple to carry them with you as you go about your day. With twins, it feels easier to get the babies set up in one area, and have the family adjust to be in that space the majority of the time. Depending on the makeup of your family, this can work for a time. If you have older children, they will tire of this quickly, and you’ll probably feel bad about doing the work to constantly move from place to place. Or maybe I’m a lazy bum, but it certainly used to feel like a LOT of time and effort.

Eventually I learned to set up systems to make it easier to move the babies from place to place. Make sure there is a safe place to leave one twin while going back to get the other (or of course have a safe option for carrying both at once). Have duplicate items you may need to care for them in the most frequented areas, or keep them all in one tote bag so you don’t have to round it all up each time. It’s not always feasible (or advisable) to have ten of everything, so at least making it easy to cart around will help immensely. Keep it simple but functional.

Have multiple safe play areas for both twins

Depending on the twins’ ages, and if you have other children, it may be important to have a place where the babies can lay/play safely while you spend time with the older children. Whether it’s homeschooling, playing a game, diffusing a fight between siblings, handling an emergency, etc., there are times when you need to be able to focus more intently on something else. It will be much easier to do if you know that the babies are safe while you do.

In fact, I am currently in need of a new solution for my backyard- as the twins are so mobile now (and no longer afraid to touch the grass), I can’t just park them on a blanket and expect they will stay there. I’d like to be able to push my son on the swing without fear of the babies roaming too far. Playpens, activity jumpers, etc. can be both a source of fun and entertainment for babies, as well as a safe holding place.

Keep things simple

Have I mentioned keeping things simple? One area I was surprised to find caused extra stress was the amount of baby items we accumulated. I will never stop being grateful for the generosity of family and friends when we were expecting our twins. My mother was enormously helpful in rounding up all kinds of gear, and it’s been very useful. We were gifted clothes others’ precious girls had outgrown, and received many gifts. There can be, however, too much of a good thing. Considering that we didn’t go out much, I didn’t really need an entire dresser full of newborn clothes. The overabundance of clothes and crib sheets and receiving blankets made staying organized very difficult and it contributed to stress. Having enough- but not too much- would have been much better, in hindsight.

There are probably ten more things I could list that could help, but for now I’ll stick to these. To sum up, I’ll leave you with this. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Keep things simple, put things in place to save yourself work, and take all of the help you can get.